Complaining

Complaining in excess of 30 minutes a day damages a person’s brain, according to research by Stanford University biology/neurology professor . Whether you’re the griper or the listener, persistent exposure to negativity peels back neurons in the hippocampus – the part of the brain used for problem solving and cognitive function. Over time, complaining becomes habitual, and, if you’re surrounded by complainers, you’re more likely to become one.

To keep my brain as sharp as possible, I surround myself with positive people. Chronic complainers who consistently give voice to what’s wrong in their lives or who persist in seeing the world from a “glass half empty” perspective drain my energy and I avoid them. I also strive to practice discernment instead of judgement. Discernment is looking at a situation and saying, “I would have handled it differently.” ��Judgement is saying, “I can’t believe the fool did that.” Judgement is draining, discernment is not.

Gossiping

“Gossip creates gall, envy, and torture that disrupt digestion and create mal-stress,” Dr. Kathy Dooley. “This stress exacerbates anxiety, tension headaches, and other pre-existing symptoms associated with stress.” On top of the physical maladies a gossiper themselves can experience, their words can hurt others and disrupt otherwise healthy workplace relationships and environments.

When I witness high school level social interactions in a professional world, gossip usually plays a large part. My customary counsel is never to say anything behind a person’s back that you wouldn’t say to their face. Of course, in business, there are times when we have to coach up or part ways with an associate and determining the right course of action requires discussing the person without them present. But if you have your coworkers, clients, and the business’ best interests at heart, the odds are any discussions will be devoid of gossip.

Making Excuses

All of us fall short sometimes. But explaining why we failed doesn’t negate the fact we did. Nor does prefacing a new project with a big disclaimer so we have a ready excuse when we don’t succeed.

“Wisdom stems from personal accountability. We all make mistakes; own them… learn from them. Don’t throw away the lesson by blaming others,” advises behavior scientist and author Steve Maraboli.

Setting (specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, time-bound) goals at the outset of any project increases the likelihood of repeated success. And embracing failures when they do occur demonstrates maturity and self-awareness. In my experience, people who succeed more than they fail and who own up to their failures are best suited for leadership roles.

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Most of us know people who are pretty smart in general and who can easily analyze the flaws of others, but struggle to apply that same analysis inward.

Sometimes it’s difficult to be self-aware, and it can be painful to really look at who you are through an unbiased lens. In fact, it’s almost impossible to evaluate yourself as clearly as others do. We all have “” – the tendency to interpret new evidence as confirmation of one’s preexisting beliefs or theories – which is often formed in childhood and influences everything we do, say, or believe. Personally, I try to force myself to be more self-aware, but I know I am not perfect at it and strive to improve every day.

If you have recurring patterns in life that are not what you want them to be (e.g. relationships, career, happiness, etc.) and you find yourself shifting responsibility to external factors/sources, try focusing that attention inward and becoming more self-aware.

Consider , for example, he “needed to fail before he could develop more accurate self-awareness.” Jobs’ narcissism at Apple made it near impossible for him to effectively collaborate with others, a flaw that led to him being removed as head of his own company’s Mac division in 1985. It was during his tenure as Pixar’s CEO during the mid-90s that he learned to be more collaborative and cede some control to others, according to , Pixar’s CFO. The emotional maturity and management skills he acquired in the aftermath of his Apple ousting laid the foundation for his successful return to the company he founded in 1997.

In your own quest for self-awareness, here are some questions the Inc. article suggests asking yourself:

1. Why do the same issues keep coming up over and over in my business/career, marriage, or life?
2. Why do I respond to situations with anger, fear, optimism, or withdrawal? What are my triggers and why?
3. What makes me think, act, and feel the way I do?
4. What makes me tick? What pushes my buttons?
5. What areas in my life can I improve or mask in my behaviors to make me more successful and happy?

I know it takes more than one article (or my little blog post) to change behavior. Still, if this is helpful to a handful of people, I will share that becoming more self-aware has helped me in my life and it is a worthy endeavor.

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Emma defines happiness as a state of heightened positive emotion that “increases our emotional and social intelligence, boosts our productivity, and heightens our influence over peers and colleagues.”

In his Inc. magazine column, Peter Economy put together a great summary of Emma’s seven scientifically proven ways to build your happiness, and consequently increase your success. I have excerpted these below, along with a few of my own observations:

1.�� Live (or work) in the moment.

Instead of always thinking about what’s next on your to-do list, focus on the task or conversation at hand. You will become not only more productive but also more charismatic because you will be��more��present with your peers.

2.�� Tap into your resilience.

Do not live in stress.�� Work on your ability to handle adversity without it draining you.�� To do so, you need to ��You will naturally reduce stress and thrive in the face of difficulties and challenges.��

3.�� Manage your energy.

Instead of engaging in states of mind that exhaust you, learn to manage your stamina by remaining calm and centered. You’ll be able to save precious mental energy for the tasks that need it most.�� If you think about it, a situation is the same whether you are emotional or objective.�� Being objective allows you to deal with more situations without getting exhausted.

4.�� Do nothing.

Make time for .�� You will become more creative and innovative and will be more likely to come up with breakthrough ideas.�� I have learned this over the years.�� Whitespace (do nothing time) is critical for breakthrough moments. ��I schedule moments of clarity for thinking. ��I have also found my energy increases and my stress reduces if I spend a little time each day doing something mindless.�� A fun tv show, listening to music, reading a non-business book, or time with friends can clear my mind and recharge my battery��in a short period of time.

5.�� Be good to yourself.

Instead of being self-critical, be compassionate with yourself. You will improve your ability to excel in the face of challenge and be more likely to learn from mistakes.

6.�� Step outside your comfort zone.

I am a huge believer that people should always be “be a little uncomfortable” in their jobs.�� Otherwise, they are not pushing themselves or expanding their abilities.�� We tend to think we’re good at only certain things, and we play it safe when we should be taking risks. Understand that your brain is built to learn new things — that’s how we attain new skills and expertise.

7.�� Show compassion to others.

Instead of focusing on yourself,��, and maintain supportive relationships with your co-workers, boss, and employees. You will dramatically increase the loyalty and commitment of your colleagues and employees, thereby improving productivity, performance, and influence.

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I broke these 7 keys down into 3��basic groups.

Take care of your own health

1.�� Choose to exercise.

2.�� Choose to take care of your body.

It is hard to be happy if you do not feel your best. ��Eat well and work out so you are in a position to feel good and enjoy life.

Be good to people, and expect the same from others

3.�� Choose to be polite.

4.�� Choose to be surrounded by people you like and love.

Surround yourself with people that raise your energy and do the same for others. There is a children’s book series about being a “” or a bucket drainer that my child studied in school. ��Interactions really are that simple. ��If you’re a bucket filler, and surround yourself with bucket fillers, enjoying life is easy to do.

Attitude: Be OPEN to being happy

5.�� Choose to enjoy the world.

6.�� Choose to be grateful.

7.�� Choose to be happy.

People often do not realize that happiness is a choice. ��When I was a teenager, I chose to be angry. ��Over time, I have worked to choose happiness. ��One of the things that I find hardest in life is maintaining my sense of wonder and gratitude. ��Growing up,��we did not have a lot of money and I could never have imagined doing or experiencing many of the things I’ve had the opportunity to do in my life. ��For example, I still remember when going out to eat was a very rare and special occasion. Since then, dining out has become more common for me professionally and personally and I have to work��harder��to appreciate it (and I try to). ��It is critical to choose to be happy, remember to be grateful, and to slow down and enjoy the wonders around us.

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“Professor Peter Cohen argues that human beings have a deep need to bond and form connections. It’s how we get our satisfaction. If we can’t connect with each other, we will connect with anything we can find — the whirr of a roulette wheel or the prick of a syringe. He says we should stop talking about ‘addiction’ altogether, and instead call it ‘bonding.’ A heroin addict has bonded with heroin because she couldn’t bond as fully with anything else.

So the opposite of addiction is not sobriety. It is human connection.?”

They reference the famous drug experiment where a rat living in isolation will consistently choose water laced with cocaine or heroin over clean water until it kills them. But when this same experiment is conducted in a virtual “rat heaven” (e.g. great food, tunnels, and multiple rats living together), the rats will mostly choose the pure water. None of these rats died.

Addiction is something our industry combats daily and it’s something that, like many of you, I have experienced with people close to me. These were people I loved and respected, but they shared a common pattern of drug use that arose during personal crises. Divorce, financial issues, or disconnection from family were always present at these troublesome times.

An illness or injury can be an isolating event, and can certainly trigger stress in a person’s life. They may have worries about health, finances, productivity—the list can be long and varied. It is vital to provide a patient not just with treatment, but also with the support system, empathy, and connection to help them manage pain and recovery responsibly.

For these reasons, 911�Թ� takes a holistic view of a patient’s health so that our interactions account for the physical/chemical, psychological, and social aspects of treatment and healing. For instance, with our early intervention program, we identify a patient’s psychological/social risk factors and we also employ a “medical concierge” approach that provides support and advocacy, assures appropriate treatment, and monitors risk throughout the continuum of care. What this article reinforces to me is that the social warning signs will often be more powerful than the physical. If a patient is unhappy at work or at home, it is a potent indicator that any addictive substance might pose a risk, particularly if used as a substitute for human bonding.

Humans are social animals. Relationships are critical—in work, in life, and yes—in recovery from injury/illness. We need to look beyond the physical and psycho-social red flags of addiction, and think of preventing addiction in terms of caring, compassion, and connectedness in our claims and medical management efforts.

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There was a very large sample size, and the findings appear to be statistically valid:

•��The daughters of working mothers are more likely to be employed than those of non-working mothers (4.5% more).
•��The working daughters of working mothers are more likely to be in supervisory roles vs. the working daughters of non-working mothers (33% vs. 25%).
•��The daughters of working mothers earn more than the daughters of non-working mothers ($5,200 per year higher).

Over the years, I have worked with many mothers, some of whom have expressed concern or even guilt about having a career.�� I grew up with a working mother.�� She had several part time jobs going at any given time (as many as 4 as I recall) and was often out of the house.������ For me, I believe that seeing both of my parents work was a big factor in my work ethic and the successes I’ve had.�� I’m sure I missed some things that stay at home mothers offer, but here is the main point…working moms –�� you are setting a great example for your kids and this will only help them later in life.�� Do not beat yourself up.

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Lessons from Tim Minchin’s Speech:

1. You do NOT have to have a giant DREAM. Instead, have passionate dedication to short-term goals. If you focus too far ahead, you won’t see the shiny thing out of the side of your eye.
2. Do NOT seek happiness. If you think about it too much, it goes away. Keep busy and aim to make someone else happy.
3. It’s ALL luck. You are lucky to be here, to have your background, your DNA, etc.�� Don’t take yourself too seriously.
4. Exercise. Take care of your body. We are living longer.�� You are going to need it.
5. Be HARD on YOUR OWN opinions and beliefs. Be intellectually rigorous.
6. Be an AMAZING TEACHER in all aspect of your life. Share your ideas, rejoice in what you love, and SPRAY IT.
7. Define yourself by what you LOVE, and not what you dislike.
8. RESPECT people with less power than you.
9. DON’T RUSH. Don’t PANIC. You do not need to know what you are going to do with your life yet.

Finally, leave it to humans to think that life has a purpose. There is one sensible thing to do with this empty existence: FILL IT. LEARN as much as you can about as much as you can. Take PRIDE in whatever you are doing. SHARE ideas. BE enthusiastic, “It’s an incredibly exciting, wonderfully meaningless life of yours.”

The summary loses a lot of the finer points of his message, so enjoy his sometime.

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• I don’t think as clearly when I am triggered
• My health suffers
• Work and life are a lot less fun

I have spent a large portion of my life learning techniques to prevent triggers so I can be calm in all situations.��One of my favorite concepts to control my “triggers” is the concept of “Judgment vs. Discernment.”

Judgment is an emotional reaction to something another person does (i.e. “they are stupid, because___.”) It’s often filtered through your prior experiences. You are draining your own energy in the process of judging. You are not making yourself happier, and the person you are judging is unlikely to hear what you are saying because the emotion you are throwing out is overriding any intellectual concepts behind the emotion, triggering them in the process.

That doesn’t mean you have to accept the actions or beliefs of everyone blindly.��Discernment is a logical reaction to what another person is doing (i.e. “I see what they have chosen to do, and that does not work for me because____.”) When discerning, there is no draining or angry feeling in your body. It is pure, ice-cold logic. People are more likely to be influenced and listen when you are in this state, because they do not feel attacked or judged and you’re coming from a good place.

I can’t say I don’t judge at all, but by thinking about it, or catching myself when I am doing it, I have found I am much calmer and triggered less often. In turn, I trigger others less often, meaning everyone is happier, healthier and smarter on the whole. Try it sometimes. It can make your day a little better.

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